My dad passed away two years ago today. To honor his memory and legacy, I am sharing a post I wrote not long after his death. I read it now and seems raw, but usually my best expression of thought comes when I am still in the throws of emotion. I miss him very much, and I celebrate him in my heart every day. OK, here goes:
A little about me- I am a 36 year old woman, wife, daughter, and mother of two. I am a blessed Mama of an 8 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. My husband is my best friend and hero. He is a US Marine, currently deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. I am an only child, and my parents divorced when I was 5. One of the greatest gifts my mom and dad gave me was their civility, and even friendliness, with each other throughout my growing up and into my adulthood. In many ways I had a super cool parental situation because I was too young when they split to ever really remember them married. So to me, they were always these two separate- and vastly dissimilar- people in my life. Two years ago, in October 2007, my dad called me and told me he had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer- metastatic squamous cell carcinoma. Diagnosed at Stage 4. Boom. No warm-up. What followed this was 24 of the toughest, most stressful, difficult, trying, maddening, frustrating, saddening, confusing....and beautiful...months of my life.
My dad and I had always been close. We had a special connection, born from our love of list-making, deep discussions, entrepreneurial ideas, good books, trashy reality TV, and many other topics. He had served proudly in the US Army as an officer during Vietnam in the Special Forces division. Upon returning from Vietnam, he became a helicopter pilot. Since I have been "grown up" and married, we have talked more than ever, usually several times a day. I knew that not sharing those phone calls would be one of the things I would miss most when he was gone.
Another key personality trait of my dad was eternal optimism- some (I) might say to the point of denial. I believe his optimism was both truly who he was at his core, and a protective mechanism- choosing to focus on the positives and possibilities instead of the gloomy forecasts from his doctors. His optimism became stubbornness and denial. It became very difficult to have conversations with him about the inevitability of his passing. But without that tenacity, he would have been gone so much sooner, so I tried hard not to begrudge him that small bit of control he maintained, as hard as it was for my family and I sometimes.
I have never had anyone close to me die. I have never watched that decline. I have never had to help someone make that transition from finite life to eternal life. Until my dad.
I have always felt God's presence in my life. I certainly haven't always made the wisest decisions, but have always tried to use my mistakes as a correction to my course. I know I am learning every day. But during this time with my dad, I knew all along I was on God's path. As difficult, twisty, and utterly baffling to me as it was, I KNEW I was on God's path for my life. I KNEW there would be a resolution that only HE could have designed. Through all of the muck and the yuck, I knew it would work out....just as it was supposed to be.
I believe that God used me in my Dad's life to help him explore his own spirituality, religious beliefs, and feelings about death. We had many deep conversations, both in person and over the phone, about prayer, the will of God, bodies, blessings, and on and on.
My dad remarried when I was 12, and had two other children- a son and a daughter. His son, my half-brother, grew up to go to West Point, and become a US Army Officer (sound familiar?). Dad always said he was afraid to pray because he did not want to ask God for anything- he wanted to save his request for when my brother would inevitably be sent to a war situation. I tried, and tried, and tried, to explain, in my limited ability, that I certainly did not believe our God had a one-request limit. I tried to explain, in my limited ability, the concept of God's will for our life, and praying for peace, guidance, and direction. I tried to explain, in my limited ability, that our earthly body is temporary, and even if it had been riddled with cancer here on earth, that in Heaven we would run freely and brightly.
You see, all I know is that I don't know much. It is the classic situation of the more you learn, the more you find out you never knew. But I knew, I could just feel it, that part of God's plan for my life was to be used in this way to help my dad, thereby strengthening my own beliefs, ideas, and faith.
We were so close. So, so, so close. And then he nosedived. He disintegrated. I lived across the country from him, and was doing my best to coordinate his care from long-distance. Those last phone calls were so hard. He came in and out of clarity, and it was so gut-wrenching to use what I was sure was some our last minutes to try to bark at him about getting to the hospital, and trying to understand the confusing things he was trying to tell me.
Oh, OK, I get it God....this is why you gave me the GIFT of all those months of phone calls and heart-to-heart (soul-to-soul) conversations. We had said it all. As much as, in my humanly way, I wanted MORE time, and MORE talks, I had a PEACE that I had already received my gift. I knew all of my dad's wishes. I knew all of his dreams. I knew all of his struggles. I knew all of his resolutions. I knew how much he loved my children. And, I KNEW how much he loved me, and I KNEW how proud he was of me...because he TOLD ME over and over. Even when he was at his worst, in hospice care and unable to speak, he looked at me, responded to me, even used all of his energy to smile at me. I got to say everything I ever wanted. My kids made special memories with him as well, holding his hand and squeezing his toes. How blessed I am. I had a two-year goodbye. What a gift. God was truly present in that room, and my heart. "See Jennifer, for I know the plans I have for you..."
Dad went home to God on October 4 of this year.
After these long two years I am still amazed by the power of God's resolution, which is still unfolding in my life. Over the summer, Jay and I had talked about buying a small vacation home on a lake in South Carolina, near where my mom and step-dad have retired. Jay loves boating, and we have never had a permanent place to own that we would not have to sell in a couple years upon our next military orders. We wanted to own a tiny piece of the world that we could always come "home" to, no matter where in the world we were currently living. In dealing with dad's situation, there were so many "plans" Jay and I made, to the point I was driving myself crazy. I am a planner by nature, and planning gave me the peace to deal with the enormity of the situation. My planning was like my dad's optimism- we each had our coping mechanism. But as plan after plan after plan was modified or outright failed, I paused to say, "What is the lesson from God here? Why can I not come up with a plan that will work?" It seems so obvious now, but God would not let it be obvious to me then. I had to go through all of that to realize I was not supposed to be the planner. I had no control in the "grand plan." When I found the listing on the lake villa we eventually bought, I was literally overcome with this indescribable feeling that THIS was something we were supposed to do. This was the right thing, and I was being given confirmation- finally- on this plan. Oh, OK, I get it, we buy this place- something we can keep for a long time, and while we are living in California, dad can live in it for us, and when we come back to visit I will get to be near both parents.
My dad loved the idea and was happy to help make it a reality. He helped me research online about the property, and wanted typed lists from me as to what of his furniture he should bring. Yes, we both knew he was very sick, but having this new-and-improved plan to work on gave us both direction and purpose.
As Jay prepared our squadron for their impending deployment, and my dad was beginning to decline rapidly, I had another major God-moment. It was if guidance suddenly washed over me: I was supposed to take the kids and go live in the new place in South Carolina with my dad (if possible) while Jay was deployed. This would give me the time I needed to live close enough to help my dad, help him with his house, and advocate on his behalf with the medical care. Then, as I knew the end could not be far off for him, I anticipated the...loveliness...of having my mom and other family close by to help me during my grief. Because of our military lifestyle, I consider myself a bit of a tough chick in some ways. So many of us spouses have had to maintain the home and kids while our better half deploys. The support of other spouses is so key during these separations, as sometimes those are the only people that "get you" and know how you are feeling right at that moment. I hated the thought of leaving them all behind in California, but just KNEW that I needed to be close to family- for once- and be selfish. That is so hard to admit...I always want to to the right thing by everyone else. But this time I had to do what was best for my dad, my kids, and me.
So Jay moved us hurriedly across country. The day after we arrived in SC, we headed to Florida to see my dad, who by this point was getting really bad, was very confused, and was in the hospital. I had to show up, and literally within minutes sit down and sign orders for him to be placed into hospice and sign his DNR. God gave me another major gift that day- my dad was suddenly clear and coherent. He was very present, and of course (if you knew him) dictated a list of all the things he wanted me to take care of ASAP especially involving his impending move in with me to SC. (Eternal optimism...true to character!) I took good notes, and I still have that note in my purse. Late that day he was moved to hospice, and never came home again. I spent as much time with him as I could there in the hospice center, trying to balance my kids and their needs with not wanting to leave him alone for a second. I finally decided to drive home for a night so I could leave the kids at my mom's and come back the next day on my own, but he decided that was his night to go. And I wasn't there. After all of that, I wasn't there. Part of the plan I am sure.
But if dad would have held on even one more day, neither his son or Jay, my husband, would have been able to come. They were both in imminent deployment departure status. I know it was tough for my dad, who never gave in to his disease, to make his peace and finally let go...just so his son could be there, and I could have the steadiness of my rock Jay there.
If you are reading this and you know me personally, and in any way prayed for me or my family upon my dad's passing....THANK YOU. Thank you for being present in my life. Thank you for the strength your prayers gave me. Thank you for helping me get through planning my dad's military honors funeral, writing his headstone, choosing and handing over the clothes in which he would be laid to rest, and reading in his honor at his funeral. Thank you God for the blessing of my husband that showed such strength, class, and quiet guidance in taking the lead in planning the actual funeral ceremony and delivering the eulogy. Jay's words that day about my dad were so well-thought-out, powerful, timely, and beautiful. To see my husband in his full dress-blues stand in front of my father's flag-draped casket....words are lost on me. The power of ceremony in a military funeral...what a force.
Through all of this I have never felt wronged, or punished, or cheated, or bitter, or let down. Through all my pain and grief, there is a beauty and light and peace....that can only- for me- be described as GOD'S PRESENCE.
There are many other meanings and manifestations of God's presence for me, and I will try to explain those later as well. But I am sure this was more than enough for one post! I am nowhere near an "expert Christian" (who is?) and in fact rarely speak publicly about my faith. That should change. Even when I mess up and don't use the right words, say the right things, or describe things in the right way, just know I am trying and I am new to living consciously in God's words.
In summary, I want to have this blog where I can explore being present in my own life- all of my life- and how I can tune into God's plans for my life. I want to develop a non-profit organization to answer what I believe is my calling and gift- to help children of the world- particularly orphans and children needing the basics of survival. How can I best be present for my role as a mother, wife, and woman- a woman that is a child of God, has been blessed by God, saved by God, and hopes to in some small way to do the will of God.
No comments:
Post a Comment